Douche or Delight ~ Vol. 3

Douche or Delight?

 

Douche.

Seasonal Allergies

Okay, so I really wanted to do a “delight” this time, and talk about something positive. But I have to give allergies their moment in the douchey spotlight. Because, really, they massively suck! I love my job, but I dread the start of every day just because I know I’ll be a sneezing, eye-rubbing, lozenge-sucking mess by the end of it. I should be looking forward to every day of summer, not wishing for fall already! Sorry, allergies. You get a definite douche stamp.

What will pop up on my list next time?

Nobody knows…

Douche or Delight ~ Vol. 2

Douche or Delight?

 

Douche.

Less-than-10-minute Snooze Buttons

Whoever invented the snooze button was a genius! 

Whoever decided that 5 minutes was a good snooze time? Douchebag. It takes at least 1-2 minutes to settle back in after you’ve gone to the trouble of smacking the snooze button. Who wants to barely fall back asleep before going through the process all over again? Unless a snooze button is set for 10 minutes or more, it’s a definite douche in my book!

What will pop up on my list next time?

Nobody knows…

Oh, Brian.

I don’t care how much you hate boy bands. Yes, you. Anyone who’s reading this. (There’s a 99.9% chance you fall into the boy-band-hater category, trust me, I know this.) I love boy bands. Well, some of them. The good ones.

So here’s my dilemma.

Brian Littrell is the “lead singer” of the Backstreet Boys. He has always been their vocal glue – back when BSB formed, Nick Carter couldn’t sing his way out of a bucket (which is no wonder, the poor kid was only 12!!), Kevin Richardson’s voice was too deep for lead vocals, Howie Dorough’s too high, and A.J. McLean’s arguably too raspy for their clean-cut sound. That’s not to say that they didn’t all share lead. But Brian was definitely THE lead.

In a world where *NSync could out-dance anyone, Britney and Xtina sold the sex, and NKOTB would always be “the original boy band”, quality vocals were the only key that BSB held. Nobody could take that away from them.

SO WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?!

I was ecstatic when BSB and NKOTB teamed up. Despite the fact that there will always be a hole in BSB (we miss you, Kevin!), seeing 4 of my guys plus the New Kids all performing together was pretty freaking exciting.

Now, you know I would never put down BSB in any way if I could help it. I hid their CDs from my parents, cried for hours when I missed their Millennium stop in PDX, and wrote a 6-page journal entry when my mom wouldn’t let me buy a BSB poster at Claire’s. (Oh, the stories of my life!) But I am and always will be a music lover, first and foremost. And even I can’t deny the travesty that is Brian Littrell’s vocals.

I offer you the following exhibits:

First, BSB performing “Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely” just a few years ago. (Brian’s on the far right.) Interestingly enough, Howie took what was normally Brian’s solo in the beginning of the song. Does that mean his voice has been going out for a while? He sounded strong what little I heard. But regardless, HOT DAMN those vocals are amazing.

Then, their recent mashup with NKOTB on the Today Show. More than the lyrical screw-up, I’m concerned with Brian. He’s screeching. His voice is giving out entirely. His voice is just not there!

And, just because I am dying to know I’m not the only one who can see this, another example.

This is the NKOTBSB hit, “Don’t Turn Out The Lights”, studio style:

And on DWTS (I shouldn’t even have to point out Brian. He’s the one attempting to sing, with nothing coming out. WHAT THE HECK?!):

I have tickets to see them live on July 8th. I am totally excited. But I’m also totally horrified! I’m going in as a BSB fan. I love NKOTB too, but BSB has been my heart and soul since I was 13. If anyone tries to question their credibility these days, I have no ammo. I can’t back them up. I can’t defend them. NKOTB are KILLING them vocally.

Oh, Brian. 😦 What happened?

Douche or Delight ~ Vol. 1

I’ve decided to start a blog mini-series, just for the fun of it. You see, whenever I encounter something in life, I give it a mental category – love it, hate it, or completely indifferent (sometimes also known as undecided). I imagine this is true with everyone, but most people probably don’t think about their mental filing system or find it amusing the way I do. This is where my nerdiness comes in.

The “completely indifferent or undecided” category is a snoozer. We’ll toss that one out the window. Which leaves us, naturally, with hate it or love it. Or, as I prefer to call it:

Douche or Delight?

 

This is volume 1. Hooray! This is a whenever-the-mood-strikes thing. The best (and worst) things in life pop up in their own time, so I see no fun in assigning a particular requirement or theme, unlike some crap running around on the internet right now. *cough* Facebook 30-day photo challenge *cough*

Today we start on a positive note!

Delight!

Lemons

Who doesn’t love a good lemon?

Well, you may not, and in that case we can agree to disagree. I think lemons are amazing. It struck me today that they may just be the most amazing fruit ever. Think about it. Lemons can be used to garnish your tea, perk up your salad dressing, polish your silverware, cleanse and tighten your skin, de-smell your garbage disposal, disinfect your cutting board, whiten your fingernails, mop your floors, and brighten your laundry. And yes, if you searched for the biggest one on the produce stand and portioned it out just right, you could conceivably do all of those things with just one lemon. Incredible. Without a doubt, a delight!

What will pop up on my list next time?

Nobody knows…

I hate you!…Wait, I don’t even know you!

I hate moms. Okay, not all moms. Just the moms who sit on their asses at home and post in online “mommy” forums. I only venture to these forums if I feel like I have no other resource, if the only possible person who could answer my question is a mom who’s been through it before. Sometimes the objective opinion of a person who doesn’t know you can be incredibly helpful. But most of the time, I avoid those places like the plague.

I got sucked back in the other day – honestly, I don’t even remember what my question was. But once I’d posted it and gotten a response or two, I started perusing other questions and posting answers of my own. Just like that, I was an Online Mommy once again.

About five minutes ago, I deleted my account. I won’t mention the particular website, but suffice it to say I had accrued over 8,000 “credits” (at about 2-3 credits per post) over the past few years, so I’d spent just a wee bit of time there. There were times it was rewarding, like when my advice helped a panicked mommy figure out that she hadn’t screwed up her kid for life, or when I’d posted something particularly witty and got voted “best answer”.

But like pretty much everything else on the internet, Mommy forums are affected by this little thing called anonymity. Anonymity is like sex – it gets people amped and full of absurd overconfidence. Only, unlike sex, there are no consequences, no chance you’ll regret what you did or said, so these women run their mouths and click their “vote down” arrows like there’s no tomorrow. They spew insults with such venom, it can take your breath away.

Religion and breastfeeding are favorite topics for drawing blood. You’re an idiot if you love God, you’re an idiot if you don’t love God. You’re a selfish bitch if you don’t breastfeed, you’re a self-righteous bitch if you do.

Years ago, I used to engage these people. I’d try to fight my point or make someone feel like scum for being self-righteous. As time progressed and I matured, I stopped giving those trolls the time of day because I realized the futility of it. Eventually I became adept at ignoring them altogether.

Tonight, I submitted a rather long-winded post talking about my amusement with the way that people tend to judge a book by its cover, especially when food stamps/welfare are involved. It wasn’t an angry post. It wasn’t even a philosophical post. It was an observation, a little sharing of my own side of things, and an opening for others to share their stories too. I submitted it feeling sure that I’d get a lot of bitchy comments, but confident there would be chimes of agreement too.

I got exactly one response: “Feel better now?”

My post wasn’t a vent, it wasn’t self-serving. I wasn’t looking for sympathy. But, perhaps because I told it in story form, peppered with little quips of wit, someone took it that way.

You want to know what I think?

I think the women who sit on these forums, who consider themselves goddesses of motherhood and wielders of great knowledge, are no better than the average cyber bully. I’ve been on plenty of other types of forums – I’ve met some of my closest friends and favorite people in the world there. But not on the Mommy forums. The Mommy forums are the worst. Many of these women (myself included) are home all the time, bored and frustrated and overwhelmed. It’s nice to feel like you’re talking to other “real” people, and the forums provide that outlet.

The moms hiding behind names like “happymommy37” (any relations to real screen names is unintentional), are hypocrites, spouting advice that they likely don’t even follow themselves. Such as, “spend more time with your kids”, said by the woman whose profile boasts 20,000+ credits amassed in less than a year. (Bravo, lady, you must be so proud!) The posts guaranteed to get catty or just plain bitchy responses are any that are well-worded, thoughtful, and true. Don’t you dare hit on a nerve with these women.

Which, frankly, is what I’m pretty sure my last post did. I found the singular bitchy response to be so amusing, it inspired me to delete my account and get the heck off that site forever. Why did I post it anyway? Probably to prove to myself that most of those women couldn’t come up with an eloquent response if their lives depended on it. I can spell, I can use punctuation. Heck, I can even write a blog while talking to my 2-year-old, eating dinner, and changing the TV channel. Most Online Mommies can’t do much more than come up with third grade insults or ask questions like, “my peirod was like tow month’s late and my boobs hrut and my belly is gettgn big do u thnk i might be preggers???”.

So, yeah.

I tried to grace them with some real thought-provoking stuff, in a light, fluffy, fun manner, and all I got was one line of snark in response. But in order to come up with that snark, it means said mommy had to read my entire long-winded post and take time to think of an insult. She’s probably doing the same thing right now: trying to come up with a good jab to make another mom feel like shit, so she can go to sleep with a smile on her face tonight.

Me? I’m about to finish this blog, pack my toddler off to bed, and get back to work on my degree.

Thanks to that good dose of perspective, I do feel better now. 🙂 Much.