Moms…and schweddy balls.

Dear Moms across the United States,

You have too much time on your hands.

This irrevocable fact has been spelled out for me in so many ways, not the least of which being this article:

Schweddy Balls? Sounds good to me!

No, really. The flavor sounds delicious and the name is hilarious. Maybe I find it funny because my kids can’t read yet. Maybe I find it funny because it IS.

Also, it’s ice cream. If you’re concerned your child is going to start using “locker room humor”, perhaps you should buy them a carton of vanilla and call it good. Or, better yet, don’t buy them ice cream at all! (Novel idea, right?) Something tells me your grade schooler isn’t going to be trolling the ice cream aisles of a supermarket during their free time, expanding their vocabulary by reading the words off of cartons.

And here I was, already thinking about the moms who have too much time on their hands as I dropped my daughter at preschool this morning. I had to roll my eyes at the moms who were dressed to the nines …at preschool. Yes, some of them are on their way to work, I get that. But I know for a fact that many of them aren’t. Many of them, like me, are going back home after dropping off their child, either to tend to another child, or to sneak in an extra hour or two of sleep.

So why the perfectly-coiffed hair, the nylons and heels? Also, is it really necessary for your child to have four bows in her hair?

I may sound bitter. I’m not. I honestly feel bad for them, because it must suck to spend so much time getting ready in the morning, for little to no purpose. Me, I’m lucky if I can find some clean clothes to throw on and a hat to cover my bedhead before shuttling my kid off to school. Once there, I see a handful of people on my way in and out of the building, and then I’m back home where I started. That half an hour or less is in no way worth showering, straightening, hairspraying, eyelining, etc, for.

These moms are the same ones I see raising hell at school events, too, or even first thing in the morning before school. They’ve always got something to “talk” to the teacher about, some special need for their child or passive-aggressive suggestion for how the class should be run.

I suspect that these are also the same women who form large groups via the Internet and set out to attack anyone they believe is “pushing the envelope”.

Like pushing it with Schweddy Balls.

Believe me, mothers across America, I’m recoiling in horror along with you. How dare Ben & Jerry’s release an ice cream with a name most kids won’t even be able to read, let alone pronounce? How dare they assume that an SNL-themed ice cream will be humorous to adults, the primary purchasers of B&J products (and, assuming you regulate what your precious, impressionable children watch, the primary viewers of SNL)? How dare they create a product that is a play on non-family-friendly-words, when they’ve clearly never done it before (Karamel Sutra, anyone)?

Oh, the horror.

Might I suggest you all grow….

…a sense of humor?


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